| the trendy age of deception |
[Aug. 27th, 2005|06:01 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  fucking subhumans! | ] |
lately i've noticed that i am in the minority in my environment because i refuse to accept deception as truth. the people that i am surrounded with are constantly attemping to get me to accept certain "truths" eventhough my rational mind and study have proven otherwise. i feel as if i am being forced into this trendy, decptive world that everyone wants to create.
appeaently the new trend is that only what comes out of a person's mouth is the truth about their actions, and everything else needs to be dismissed. i have my own eyes and ears and thoughts ans feelings that the world cannot comprimise, and i will not give my last bits of trust to sacrifise to some "new perception".
their is only one truth in life, and that is what i seek. having the companionship of everyone is not important to me, but rather i would sacrifise the seudo-friendship deceptiveness perception for pure, unrestrained truth.
if i was to give in to this type of behavior i would have to also give up the friendship of the few people i have left in my life that i KNOW (notice i don't say think) are truthful and help me to know what is really going on around me.
my goal is to remain loyal to my truthful friends, and rely on my intuitions that i have worked so hard to develop through study and selectiveness.
once again i proclaim, that i may be less popular, but thus i am happier with myself.
if i am stuck up because i refuse to talk to someone who has pathologically lied to me for years, and they will potentially yell lies at me and try to convince me to give up my dignity to their deception, so be it. but i only consider stuck up to be an ignorant decision with no basis.
the greatest excuse for the seudo-intellectual sub-human is that "my perception is defferent than yours, and that is why you disagree with me"
my usage of philosophical remifications has always been so i can obtain the most unmanipulated version of the truth possible through analization. it seems as if other use their knowledge to manipulate the world into the deceptions of the user for the purpose of having no guilt throughout ones life, and to be able to tell any lie and to think these people call ME a satanist!
2+2 does not equal bacon, and it never will.
i now have a new level of sub-human. level 2 sub-human is the ones who think deception is perception.
per·cep·tion -a : awareness of the elements of environment through physical sensation b : physical sensation interpreted in the light of experience
4 a : quick, acute, and intuitive cognition
de·cep·tion -a :to cause to accept as true or valid what is false or invalid
b :a obsolete : to be false to b archaic : to fail to fulfill
c :to influence or lead by deceit, trick, or artifice
need i say more? |
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| while reading up on neitzche |
[Aug. 22nd, 2005|07:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  missing you | ] |
i read:
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Apollonian and Dionysian are terms used by Nietzsche in The Birth of Tragedy to designate the two central principles in Greek culture. The Apollonian, which corresponds to Schopenhauer's principium individuationis ("principle of individuation"), is the basis of all analytic distinctions. Everything that is part of the unique individuality of man or thing is Apollonian in character; all types of form or structure are Apollonian, since form serves to define or individualize that which is formed; thus, sculpture is the most Apollonian of the arts, since it relies entirely on form for its effect. Rational thought is also Apollonian since it is structured and makes distinctions.
The Dionysian, which corresponds roughly to Schopenhauer's conception of Will, is directly opposed to the Apollonian. Drunkenness and madness are Dionysian because they break down a man's individual character; all forms of enthusiasm and ecstasy are Dionysian, for in such states man gives up his individuality and submerges himself in a greater whole: music is the most Dionysian of the arts, since it appeals directly to man's instinctive, chaotic emotions and not to his formally reasoning mind.
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the first part of this, the appollonianism, makes perfect sense to me, since the world is full of things that are copies, imitations, and reflections. the explaination of the dioysian here gives no way for the combination use of both hemispheres of the brain. i do understand that these terms are used to describe greek culture, but nevertheless it makes me wonder if there since has been a term defined for the current, what i like to call, androginous culture of today. for instance, the example given here says that music is the most dioysian of the arts because of its chaoticness, but music such as classical, techno, and industrial include very articulated forms that can even sometimes resemble that of mathmatical terms, which are defintately not dioysian by these terms. |
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| this is for the repblicans who keep arguing |
[Aug. 4th, 2005|08:42 pm] |
so you think the patriot act is morally acceptable according to the american standard?
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there can be no compirimise between freedom and government controls; to accept "just a few controls" is to surrender the principle of inalienable indevidual rights and to substitute for it the principle of the government's unlimited, arbitary power, thus delivering oneself into gradual enslavement. - AYN RAND |
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| slight confusion |
[Aug. 2nd, 2005|08:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hoping for chaos | ] |
ive come to believe that ive adopted some predjudices about people in general, and eventhough i know this is not the right way to be, i can't help but to notice the overbearing occurances of coincindences in the society that surrounds me, and its very hard for me to allow myself to funtion in a non-predjudice manner while i have been studying the human behavior of the people around me for so long, and im basically able to predict every situation i am presented with. i wonder if the whole world is so predictable, or if the majority of people in montana just happen to fall into their automatic patterns, and the redundantcy of all of this makes me sick, since i am a person who learns through finding chaos and analizing it into logic. ive ran out of chaos in this atmosphere. this all leads back to the confusing of my intuitions, expecially since i am trying to program myself to NOT be predjudice, in an atmosphere that proves otherwise. |
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| dear private FallsDown |
[Jul. 31st, 2005|03:02 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  i respect those who earn it! | ] |
so i was chilling at denny's with josh, alisha, tanya, and a few other friends when a fancily dressed military guy walks in with a preppy, blonde girl on his arm. he takes one look at alisha and twinges in horror at her bright green and teal half shaved head, and i feel the need to yell the work "wank!" and then we began, as a result of present company, to start discussing our ideals about the war, when a drunken private fallsdown decided to barge into our conversation. "why did you say wank?" he said, and i replied "because it seemed appropriate." then he gave his complete attension to josh, who was sitting amoung 3 girls, to tell him "you guys don't think this war is about oil, do you" and josh began instructing him to return to his table, knowing that his own ideals were not built up to the point where he could argue, but that alisha or i would probably end up pissing him off. "well it's at least partially about oil, don't you know about chaney and haliburton..." he interuppted, still looking ONLY at josh, "cause if you guys think its about oil your nieve." i replied, "i think that you are nieve to not listen to other possibilites. i'm pretty sure it has something to do with oil, but that isn't all its about. what else is it about, private fallsdown?" everyone laughed for a moment at his name. "have you guys seen what its like over there? its horrible!" a friend explained that his father had been to iraq. he stated his dislike for the "conquering" type of manner that he believed america to be taking in the war. and i added, "but why sould we expect the whole world to obey by the same rules?" and the private yelled "its about getting a foothold in the middle east!" i came in "exactly! its about power, not helping the people!" josh kept asking him to leave the table. the blonde girl started making random non-articlated put downs in our direction, which we calmly ignored. the waitress walked up. "do you support the war?" he asked her. "i don't think we should be killing innocent people." she replied, and the private got heated. "you guys have to support the decisions of the american government! i am going to report denny's to the authorities for treason and start a boycott!" as he stood up, bright red, waving his hands around like a maniac. josh shot up beside him and instructed him one last time to exit the table, but instead he pushed josh. the blonde girl told severly insulted one a very sensative, innocent girl that wasn't even involved in the conversation, as another guy held back josh from freaking out on the military man. we quickly exited the resturant without retailiating on any of the screaming insults coming our way, and waited in the parking lot. half of us were prepared for kicking the guys ass if he said one more word, the other half waited in anticipation, believing that if we only stayed until our newly made enemies left, we will have won. the soldier and the blonde filied a complaint,which could potentially get us permanently kicked out, and i watched through the glass as the blonde cried to the manager, and mocked her by twisting my fists and making cry-baby faces. the people left without saying a word as they walked past a bunch of ghettoly armed goth kids, and we went in to write our statement for the manager. he sat with us and bullshitted with us, assuring us that we were not to be eighty sixed. that is when i believe we won. |
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| the full realization |
[Jul. 31st, 2005|02:55 am] |
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i've been going to work with this horrible pain in my stomach for over a week now, and i think i may have to bite my pride and go to the doctor. it would be just my luck to die right before i finally get to leave montana. but i know that billings isn't killing me. today i figured out what has been contributing to the downfall of my health, over and over again. taking care of people. ive been sacrifising rent money, food, and my mental stability for other people for too long. my struggle for independence is not over yet. |
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| IM PROUD OF MYSELF! |
[Jul. 31st, 2005|02:41 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  lack of energy | ] |
loosely said - i've defintately started what could end in being the exposure of an unnamed company that is a client of the company i work for, and the website i've created has been published on yahoo, thus customers know the truth, and the money flow is starting to slow down. these batards have, in my personal thoery after detailed study, either A. hired elite hackers to hack into peoples personal computers so that they can get these fraudulent charges on their phone bills for simple capitalistic purposes, or B. the hackers simply hack into any phone number they can to obtain the usernames and passwords for the websites.
either way i am sick of the rules getting changed for this account, and the lack of contact information, and being the unwilling middleman. i've succeeded. |
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| determination |
[Jul. 23rd, 2005|07:54 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  no comment... | ] |
i have had an apifany.it happened after i went bar hopping the other night. i will now give up EVERYTHING to get out of this state, and back to cali. i WILL work full time, and take time for myself to read, write, and think. i WILL severly cut down smoking pot, going out to movies, and any other activity that costs money. i must recluse, because here there is no progress in hanging out with people, other than fucking and getting drunk, and i'm not interested to doing either with anyone in this state. so now i fall back into myself, and work hard so that i can occomplish my only life goal, to live in california. let this serve as the reminder to myself not to give up, and to stay determined. i know there is something waiting out there for me. some people may think tarot readings are bullshit, but mine have been telling me for a long time that my harvesting time is coming, and that i will have a chance to leave. in my heart i pray this is true... |
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| update to the need to focus |
[Jul. 22nd, 2005|05:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  i'm surrounded by filth... | ] |
so yesterday my old best friend from junior high, jamie, showed up at my door at about 2pm. this was quite the surprise to me! so i called in sick to work so that i could hang out with her, since she said she was going to be in town for yesterday only. but since her parents hate her friends in montana, and she depends on them for financial support, she had to leave town at 7pm by their request. by the time she left my house had become a small high school reunion, and me, arl, and desta were all amped up to go out, so i swallowed my pride and went bar hopping in billings. the so-called dance scene here is the most pathetic excuse for a "scene" i've ever seen. half the time they were playing country, and the other half they were playing hip hop. not to mention the fact that the only people there were crackwhores, Getards, and cowboys/girls. the only reason why i danced at all was because they played some Darude, and the combination of sandstorm and the strobelights made me have a extasy flashback. i only saw one other girl accually rave dancing out there, but i was THE only one that didn't have a dance partener, and practically the only one not hip hop humping everyone. ick. it always goes back to how done with this town i am... everyone i grew up with has only gone on to graduate high school. there has to be more to life than this. |
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| on the line again... |
[Jul. 21st, 2005|10:14 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | ohhh the possibilities... | ] |
well, i finally got a fucking phone line. so now i'm online again! yay! and jared and i have gotten ahold of some audio programs (acid music, reaktor, fruity loops) and jared will have a connecter for the guitar to the computer soon and we have a mic, the only thing left is a way to sample, and we've got some oddio stryknyne!
here are some new pics, and since angelfire is a bitch, you'll have to accually click on the links to see them...
http://www.angelfire.com/psy/jezibel/newjez1.jpg
http://www.angelfire.com/psy/jezibel/newjez2.jpg
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| my work is a fucking ripoff |
[Jul. 15th, 2005|08:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | check this out! | ] |
so theres this account at my work where people call us because they have 900 number charges on their phone bills and we adjust their charges accordingly if they have not placed the calls. well this company had us all convinced that these people were lying and that they really made the calls according to this system they have that is the same one 911 uses or some shit. so anyways, come to find out, its a scam. almost everyone who calls in has either AOL or NETZERO, and some of them don't even have computers. (these are 900 data calls supposedly made from software downloads on the internet) so now they have us telling them a bunch of complete bullshit like "you can make 900 calls on a cable modem" and "our clients do not advertise in pop up boxes" or "these charges had to physically be accepted" its all bullshit. were not really a billing service, everyone is in on it, and the people who work here are to stupid to believe me when i tell them the truth. and not to mention the fact that these bastards are now telling us we aren't aloud to EVER adjust these charges, even when its 90 year old people who don't even have a computer. hacking around gave me proof of this shit, and now i'm going to expose it. i've made a website that if anyone searches for basically anything from the bill they recieve (such as the 900 number or the company name, ect) they will find my website on every major search engine. i just wish i could think of a better way to expose them.... |
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jezibel_matheny's journal
smoginabo!
awake, barely
bored
time to die
time to leave work!
damn those acid flashbacks
